


Kyrie's Gonna Kill You

by LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Crack, During Canon, F/F, F/M, Humor, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lady's so Hot, Nero is a Good Boyfriend, Nico Doesn't Get Away With Everything, Open Relationships, Post-Canon, Revenge, Thirsty Kyrie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio/pseuds/LasEstrellasdelPurgatorio
Summary: Why would Nico say that?
Relationships: Kyrie & Lady (Devil May Cry), Kyrie & Nico (Devil May Cry), Kyrie/Lady (Devil May Cry), Kyrie/Nero (Devil May Cry), Nico & Lady (Devil May Cry)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Kyrie's Gonna Kill You

**Author's Note:**

> The idea Kyrie would get jealous of Lady or someone else attracting Nero does not sit right with me (like most of the plot in Devil May Cry 5), so I chose to interpret that line...differently.

“So you’re…” Lady starts to the strange woman with glasses who introduced herself as Nico after Nero left, “Nero’s…friend?”

“Unfortunately,” the woman says as she continues to shovel.

Blinking, Lady returns to shoveling, starting back the conversation with, “I guess I’m…surprised, Nero’s never really been that much of a social butterfly, it really threw us for a loop when Kyrie told us he had a garage buddy.”

Snorting, the other woman mutters in an amused tone, “Kyrie.”

“Huh?”

“What?”

“Something wrong with Kyrie?”

“Ah, nah, nah.” Nico clarifies, waving her hand, “I just told him I was gonna tell ‘er ‘bout ya, didn’t know you were his momma.”

“Oh…okay.”

…

“Wait, what?!” Lady yells once her mind catches up to what the girl said.

“What?”

“I’m not Nero’s mom!” She yells, “That bitch left him at an orphanage!” She then adds, “In a cult!”

“Oh, no I meant step-momma.”

“I’m not his step-mother!”

“Ain’t ya Dante’s lady?”

“OH, HELL NO!” She screeches, “When this is over, I’m suing that bastard, he knew something! I lost a whole month of my life to his little games, the asshole!” Gripping the shovel tightly, she yells, “I’M TAKING HIS WHOLE DAMN BUILDING AND MAKING HIM LIVE IN THE YARD!”

“So you ain’t married yet?” Nico tries to guess.

“And we never will be! The jerk’ll be lucky if I don’t shoot his dick off!”

“Oooh, too bad for you.”

“I’m not sleeping with him!”

“But you _want_ to?”

That earns Nico a chop to the head, making her down from Lady’s (not blushing) face.

“Wait,” Lady says to herself while Nico rubs the bump on her head, “Dante’s not Nero’s dad.” Pausing, she adds, “Biologically.”

“He ain’t?!” Nico squeals in surprise, “…Poor guy.”

“Nero can do better.” Lady says bluntly, “I’m going to tell you right now, Dante the Legendary Devil Hunter and Dante the Human Being are two completely different people, and the one you’re going to meet is unfortunately Dante the Human Being.”

“Oh,” Nico says, slightly disappointed, “Then his daddy was really just some no good deadbeat who dumped him off on a buncha hooded assholes and never came back?”

Grimacing, Lady eventually says, “That’s…one way to put it.”

_The nicest way, actually._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Where did you get that idea from anyway?” Lady asks as they begin shoveling again.

“I dunno,” Nico shrugs, “Just the way he talks about y’all.”

“Aww,” Lady sighs with a smile, “That’s kind of cute.”

“But since you ain’t his momma,” Nico adds with a sinister grin, “Ooooohoooohooo, Kyrie is gonna lynch him!”

“Huh?”

“’Cause, y’know, he saw you…naked?” Nico reminds, turning her head away with a blush and pursed lips.

“Okay?” Lady says in confusion, “Didn’t have much of a choice there.”

“Kyrie doesn’t know,” Nico giggles.

Raising an eyebrow, Lady asks, “What are you…” before she realizes what Nico’s implying.

_Oh._

_Since when is_ Kyrie _the jealous type?_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Walking up the steps, Lady rings the doorbell.

_Ding, ding!_

She hears a muffled, _“Coming!”_ Before the door opens, revealing Kyrie with a bright smile on her face.

“Oh,” she greets cheerily, “Hello Ms. Lady! How are you today?”

“Hi Kyrie,” She says back, “I’m good, mind if I come in for a bit? I think there’s something we should talk about real quick.”

“Oh, of course!” Moving to the side, she gestures for the older woman to enter, “Please! Would you care for some tea?”

“Please.” Taking a seat on the sofa, Lady waits for Kyrie to finish up with fixing up the tea tray.

“Here we are!” Kyrie informs as she sets down the tray and takes a seat on a chair across from the couch, “Nero!” She calls out, “Ms. Lady is here!”

 _Okay, yeah, it might be better if they’re both here._ Lady thinks to herself as she sips some tea.

“Yo,” Nero greets with a two-finger salute as he settles onto a chair next to Kyrie, “Wassup?”

“Well,” Lady begins as she folds her hands on her lap, “During the Qliphoth incident, Nico told me that Kyrie was going to be upset about a certain…incident.”

“Huh?” Nero says in confusion, “What’re you-”

“When I was naked in your arms, Nero.”

“Oh.” Nero says in a flat tone, blushing. “That.”

“Yeah.”

“Ms. Lady,” Kyrie gently cuts in, “I already know, Nico told me, and I’ve already discussed it with Nero.” She ends with a slight glare at said boy.

“Okay, Kyrie, look.” Lady interjects, “Nero would never cheat on you and he had no idea that I was going to end up naked after getting me out of that demon. There’s no reason for you to get upset over that.”

Blinking in sync, Kyrie and Nero tilt their heads to the side with a confused look on their faces.

“Haah?” Nero grunts.

“I’m confused,” Kyrie says in agreement, “Ms. Lady, what are you talking about?”

“…Uh,” Lady mumbles in awkwardness, “The…naked me…Nero…made you…jealous?”

“Oh!” Kyrie pipes up, “That! I was feeling quite envious, but I didn’t think it would bother you. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, but I didn’t mean for you to get jealous of me-”

“OH!” Nero shoots in, “Oh, I-! I get it! Lady, no! Kyrie wasn’t jealous of _you_!”

“…Whaaaat?”

“Lady,” Nero says with a relieved chuckle and a hand on his chest, “Kyrie was jealous of _me_.”

…

… _Huh?_

“I’ve always found you…,” Kyrie begins, “…attractive.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Nero mutters, shaping up at the slight glare Kyrie gives him.

“So when I heard that Nero saw you unclothed…I couldn’t help but get a little envious of him. Not that either of us would take advantage of you while you were unconscious, and we were greatly upset at what Mr. Dante’s brother did to you!”

“…But you’re curious?” Lady asks with a hint of… _something_ in her voice, as her eyes look over Kyrie’s generous curves and rosy cheeks blooming onto her lovely face and peach-like skin.

Something Kyrie picks up immediately.

“Nero,” Kyrie asks while staring into Lady’s mismatched eyes, “Would you mind taking the boys and Nico out for a bit when they finish playing in the yard?”

“Huh?” Nero asks in confusion. “I thought we were going to-” At the look Kyrie gives him, his eyes widen. “Oh. Oh! You two are gonna have sex! Okay, got it!” Standing up quickly, he bends down to give Kyrie a kiss on the cheek which makes her close her eyes and smile sweetly in satisfaction. “Good luck sweetie!” He encourages her before turning and rushing out the back door. _“Everyone in the car! We’re going to the space museum!”_

“Now,” Kyrie takes a sip from her tea, “Would you like to show me what I missed?”

Lady only smirks at that.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“So,” Nico says as she sits herself down at the dining table, “Wassup?”

“I don’t appreciate you trying to create drama between me and Nero,” Kyrie scolds, “It’s not appropriate, Nico.”

“Aww, stop!” Nico waves off, “We both know you two can’t stay mad at each other for a whole goddamn minute! Nothin’ was gonna happen!”

“It’s still not nice,” Kyrie urges, “Which is why I will not just take this lying down.”

“Oh what? You gonna-”

“Here’s your cardigan, Kyrie.” Lady says as she walks in, slipping the article of clothing onto the woman’s shoulders, “Ended up behind the headboard.”

“Thank you” Kyrie says in return, giving an uncharacteristic smirk.

“Uhhhh….” Nico manages to get out.

“And Nico,” Kyrie says, “I believe I asked you to quit hiding chips under your bed; that does not mean hide them under your pillow.”

“Yeah…sure…”

_Wait…_

_Oh, she didn’t._

Rushing to her room, Nico flings the door open and-

“AAAHHH! AHHHH NAAAHHH! YOU BITCHES!!!!!” She screams, looking at the destruction that was once her beautiful sanctuary of organized chaos…

…right in front of the kids.

…

“Ooooh,” Nero teases in an insulting imitation of a southern drawl as he walks by, “Kyrie’s gonna kill you.”

He doesn’t even bother to acknowledge her flipping him off as he walks away laughing.


End file.
